Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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