we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
