I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
