like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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