And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
