I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
