I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
