the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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