And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
