I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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