Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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