Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
