Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
