I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
