I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
