During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
