Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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