just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
