after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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