my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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