Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
