She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
