Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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