She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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