He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
As shirtless as possible
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
