Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
