I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
