he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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