my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize