did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I didn't shave. On purpose
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
