I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We need to rekindle our bromance
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
