Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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