just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
