I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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