I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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