He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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