turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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