R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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