Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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