all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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