I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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