Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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