What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
