I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
