oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
