she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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