Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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