Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
