I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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