someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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