When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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