I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
