I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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