Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
