found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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