This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
