Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
