My Higher Power is John Stamos
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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