we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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