A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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